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The Unexpurgated Gazette: Hallowmas Edition of 1896
Values # Very Well-Behaved Mandrake: Your name appears in the curiosities page. 'The person who tamed the mandrake,' it says. There is an adorable etching of your mandrake, looking exceedingly wholesome. # Protective Mandrake: 'OUTRAGEOUS MANDRAKE', the headline declares. The article warns its readers to beware both mandrake and owner. There is a sketch of your mandrake proudly defending you. It's hard to tell in a picture, but the mandrake does look like it is shouting something obscene. # Mandrake Who Sings Haunting Lamentations: 'Make it stop', says the headline, under a picture of your singing mandrake, 'Please for the love of God make it stop.' # Senatorial Spider: 'Votes for spiders?' the article asks, with a picture of your spider looking very dignifed indeed. 'There are no limits to what an ambitious spider can achieve', the article concludes. # Spider of Silken Marvels: The article brands your spider 'A sinister silken spinner of suspicious webs.' It warns readers to beware, and counsels them to avoid telling their eight-legged pets tales of the silk-shrouded woods of Vesture. # An August Feline: Your cat (not you) appears in the society pages. The feature is lavishly obsequious. The picture of your feline looks exceedingly smug. # A Princeling of the Wakeful Court: 'The corruption of cats!' The tone of the article is alarmist. There is a large, albeit, flattering, caricature of you holding your Princeling. You are branded a menace to cat-owners everywhere. # Very Lenient Judge: The article is not kind to your judge. It allege he is being leaned upon. Luckily, he is a judge. He predicts imminent poor financial health for the Gazette. # An Assuming Judge: 'An outrageous social climber,' the article brands your judge, who, for his part, pins up the full-spread article outside his chambers. He is suddenly very in demand among the right circles. # The Scuttering Scoundrels: There is a new section of the Gazette, created just for the Scuttering Squad. It is titled 'ones to watch out for'. # The Scuttering Palace Guard: The Gazaette produces a lengthy feature, assessing and ranking every unit of royal guards throughout the ages. The Scuttering Palace Guard place very highly. # Yourself: Londoners cannot fail to know your name. The entire newspaper – except for the births section – focuses on you. After this attention, you're likely to be the namesake for many newborns, too. # Private Debating Lessons with the Jovial Contrarian: The Gazette displays a four page feature, each page featuring a portrait of either you or the Jovial Contrarian followed by a list of your views. The article is interminable. The Jovial Contrarian is delighted and invites you for tea immediately. # The Duchess, Ambassador to Arbor: The Duchess dominates the next edition of the Gazette. No longer can any Londoner pretend ignorance of her many Views. The Gazette is optimistic on her appointment as Ambassador to the city of roses. # The Gracious Widow, Ambassador to Arbor: 'The proper approach!' The Gazette is pleased with the appointment of the Gracious Widow as ambassador to the city of roses. They do a very thorough job of avoiding any mention of the Widow's history, connections or occupation. The Widow declares the article 'tolerable.' # The Injurious Princess, Ambassador to Arbor: 'A menace!' The Gazette is not kind to the Injurious Princess. They worry about the implications of her tenure as ambassador to the city of roses. The Princess begins to make plans for another, smaller, more targeted war once she has reclaimed Vesture. # The Jovial Contrarian, Ambassador to Arbor: 'Oh no!' The Gazette reacts to the Jovial Contrarian's appointment as ambassador to the city of roses with appropriate restrain. 'Not him!' The Jovial Contrarian is thrilled and nationalises that particular issue of the Gazette, so all Londoners may receive a free copy. # Yourself, Ambassador to Arbor: 'An Ambassador to our heart.' The Gazette's tone is a tad much, but the reportage is exceedingly and entirely flattering. Isn't London lucky, the article concludes, to have such a person as yourself in charge of its diplomacy to the city of roses?